One of the Tortoises with identity crisis

IS IT A BOY?  IS IT A GIRL?  IS IT A GREEK?  IS IT A RUSSIAN?  IS ITS NAME LOLA?  IS ITS NAME SPLASH?  ITS NAME CRASH???


MEET CRASH!!! Once named Splash and once named Lola





Crash is a Russian Tortoise or Testudo horsfieldii  which was a pretty easy identification for me since these delightful little creatures are frequently sold in Pet Stores such as Petco where store clerks have even less knowledge of tortoise care and husbandry than most dog breeders.  You see, Crash was the second half of the tortoise group sent to me by my friend Dina.  Dina had received Twitch and Lola, whose names were later changed to Switch and Splash and then Crash after identity crisis #2, #3 and #4.  Dina received thing #1 and thing #2 from her boss, a really smart computer guy whose tortoise knowledge somehow was affected by a virus.  You see, really smart computer guy told Dina that the "little one" was a Greek Female and the "big one" was a Russian Male.  Now, maybe really smart computer guy was told by the teacher he got them from that big one was a boy and little one was a girl.  Should that be the case, we need to question who is teaching our kids these days.  But, I will leave that fight to the parents.

So for several years, this poor Russian fox was treated as a female.  He was forced to wear dresses to school and sit on the girls side of the room, use the girls bathroom without urinals AND dress down with the girls for PE.  You know how hard that is on the maturity and sanity of your average Russian Tortoise?   Poor Crash even went through several months of being called LOLA of all things.

Despite masculine good looks and being subjected to femine training, Crash developed a rather outgoing and likeable personality.  Things really connected for ol' Crash once the tortoise forum Tortoise God Danny came to the rescue of his sexuality and labeled her a HIM!  Crash instantly retaliated his earlier female teachings by proving that a Russian tortoise can eject urine approximately 49 feet, leaving gorgeous spin art on the hall walls and PowerBall's ass. (Even though PowerBall's ass is bigger than his head) If you know anything about goat breeding, you should be quite impressed with Crash's little feat.

Meanwhile, breaking the news to Dina's kids that Lola was no longer a girl but a boy and that Twitch was no longer a boy but a girl went over with mixed emotion.  You see,  Crash had been Dina's daughter, Alexia's little pet while Twitch had been her teenage son Isaiah's charge.  Isaiah, dreaming of a career as an estimeed heart surgeon was not too happy with the fact that his pet had encountered a sex change.  Alexia on the other hand, in her sweet and charmed graces, just told me she was really mad that her Mom got rid of her pets without telling her!  Good thing for Alexia, I still have Crash and she can visit him any time.  She even expressed interest in babies.  Don't worry Lexi, I will make sure you get all the babies you want AFTER you finish vet school!

So, the story of Crash will continue, as he learns to live with a house full of males.  Who is Alpha yet remains to be seen.  After Funny's death, the boys have been vying for the top spot and despite the tenacious personality of tiny Crash, I am figuring it is either him or my dad that ends up on the bottom. 

Stay tuned for more adventures of Crash as he learns to Walk like a Man and Talk like a Man! He sure as heck can already eat like one!!!